Our Names Won't Be On The Same Gravestone
by naughty-nun
Summary: Derek realizes Addison's name won't be on his gravestone. Addek
1. Our Names Wont Be On The Same Gravestone

Derek Shepherd sat on the covered deck of his trailer while the rain was pouring down, thinking about the mess that he called his life.

So much has happened this year. He had found his wife cheating on him with his best friend, him leaving to Seattle and dating Meredith, Addison coming to Seattle and them working on their marriage, though he never tried hard enough and then him sleeping with Meredith, screwing everything up and the worst of all... him divorcing Addison.

He though everything would all get better after he divorced Addison, he finally got to be with Meredith and he would live his life problem-free.

And it did happened, in the beginning everything was sunshine and rainbows and happy faces until at some point it didn't anyway, suddenly he felt like he was dying and no one was there to help him.

Everything about Meredith started to annoy him, the snoring which he once thought was so cute, her laugh, the way she felt when they kissed and her hair…he caught himself searching for red when he woke up and felt disappointment when he found blonde.

He had denied it for a long time now but it was Addison that he was missing.

Her love, her attitude, and the way she felt in his arms when he held her, the way she tasted when he kissed her…

He missed it all and she had no idea he did.

It first struck him when he was making up his testament, he was going through it with Meredith and then suddenly it hit him: he wouldn't lie in the same grave as Addison...

He wouldn't be together with her after he died… he would be with Meredith who he loved but not by far much enough as Addison, not by far enough to be with her for all eternity.

Addison's name would never be on his gravestone…

No 'Derek&Addison, May their love live on forever' no it would be Derek&Meredith…he couldn't have that on his stone, there couldn't be another name next to his than Addison's, there couldn't lie another women next to him then Addison.

He told her, he didn't want to tell her but he couldn't hide it.

"_Our names will not be on the same grave stone…" he said to himself_

"_No it is, see it says here" she said as she pointed on the piece of paper_

"_Addison will not lie next to me" he said, not even acknowledging or caring that Meredith was sitting next to him._

"_What did you just say?" she asked him, horror written all over her face_

"_Addison and I, we will not lie in the same grave" he said looking at Meredith who didn't believe what he just said, hell he didn't even believe he said that himself_

Of course after that Meredith broke up with him which was a good thing actually, she deserved someone who was good for her, who loved her and only her.

He and Addison were perfect for each other. They were just screwed up enough for each other as they used to say it.

He missed that, the little things he and Addison used to do, their little relationship routines like waking up together in the morning, bringing juju whenever a patient died, driving home together after a 30 hour shift and then snuggle in bed together watching chick flicks he secretly enjoyed…

He had to do something; he had to get that all back. They had promised to love each other until they died, but as far as he knew they were both still alive.

He had to take matters in own hand and chance it, it would be impossible for Addison not to feel the same way, no matter the shit they've been through.

He had to make sure she would lay next to him and that her name would be on his gravestone….


	2. When You're Gone

_I always needed time on my own  
I never thought I'd  
need you there when I cry  
And the days feel like years when I'm alone  
And the bed where you lie  
is made up on your side_

He drove to the hotel he knew Addison was living in, he just kicked her out and let her live in a hotel…

That was not the promise he made to Mr. Montgomery when he asked for his daughters hand…he promised to love her and cherish her for eternity that he'd never let her go, he didn't say that he'd become absent and would leave her alone just so his best friend could take over and neither did he promised _her_ this.

_When you walk away  
I count the steps that you take  
Do you see how much I need you right now?  
_

Thoughts flew through his head, he wondered how it could get this far.

His heart wrenched and his stomach hurts at the thought of how he had treated her… his breath caught in his throat at the thought he might have lost her forever.

I gotta drive fasterhe thought, like it'd make any difference if he came 5 minutes later, that she'd already moved on with her life.

He pushed even harder on the gas, hoping that he wasn't already too late….

_When you're gone  
The pieces of my heart are missing you  
When you're gone  
The face I came to know is missing too  
When you're gone  
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day  
And make it OK  
I miss you  
_

Addison lied in her hotel bed, watching a late night horror movie until she heard a knock on her door.

'_Who would come visit me at this hour?_

_Probably Mark begging for another boodycall_

_Bloody manwhores!' _She thought to herself as she walked towards the door.

"Derek…" Addison said surprised as she saw her ex-husband soaking wet standing at the door, panting like a fool

"Addi I'm so sorry"

"For what? What did you do?" she asked worried

'_She's beautiful, how could I ever give this up?_

_How could I ever abandon and ignore her?_

_She's gorgeous, no make-up, wearing shorts and an oversized t-shirt and her face is full of concern, concern about me, about what I could have done…' _he thought

"Derek what's wrong? You're scaring me"

"Can I come in please?"

"Yeah, yeah of course" she immediately said as she opened the door further so he could step inside

"Were you busy?" he asked and looked at the TV

"No just some horror movie"

"Carrie"

"Yeah" she said laughing, wanting desperately to know what was going on but she didn't want to push him.

_I've never felt this way before  
Everything that I do  
reminds me of you  
And the clothes you left  
they lie on the floor  
And they smell just like you  
I love the things that you do_

"Can I sit down?" he asked mentioning to the bed

"Yeah sure, make yourself comfortable" Addison answered as she lay on the bed, next to him

"How are you doing?" Derek asked her and stroked her chin

"I'm good" she whispered back

"You're not" Derek said softly

"I'm not" Addison whispered back

"Because of me"

"Because of you"

"I'm so sorry Addi"

"I am too…"

"We screwed up"

"We did" she said sadly

_When you walk away  
I count the steps that you take  
Do you see how much I need you right now?  
_

"I'd give anything to go back to 10 years ago…would you do that to Addi, go back to the way it used to be?"

"Derek, where is this coming from?" Addison replied, she didn't want to answer his question because it was exactly what she wanted and he knew it

"I'd give anything to be newlyweds again…" he continued, ignoring her question

_We were made for each other  
out here forever  
I know we were  
yeah, yeahhh_

"Maybe you should tell Meredith this"

"Meredith knows"

"She doesn't want to marry you?" she said softly

"I don't want to marry _her _"

"Is this why you're here?" Addison asked

"No I didn't say anything about marrying someone, you said that"

"Addi…"

"Yeah?"

"Did you move on?" Derek asked, stroking her silky red hair

"Yes" she lied

"I didn't either" he answered, he knew Addison didn't move on cause even he had denied for the last 2 years, he knew Addison, she knew him and he knew her…

_All I ever wanted was for you to know  
Everything I do I give my heart and soul  
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me  
Yeah_

When you're gone  
The pieces of my heart are missing you  
When you're gone  
The face I came to know is missing too  
When you're gone  
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day  
And make it OK  
I MISS YOU!


	3. You Could Be Happy

Last time:

"Did you move on?" Derek asked, stroking her silky red hair

"Yes" she lied

"I didn't either" he answered, he knew Addison didn't move on cause even he had denied for the last 2 years, he knew Addison, she knew him and he knew her…

_You could be happy and I won't know _

_But you weren't happy the day I watched you go _

"Why are you telling me this Derek?"

"I miss you Addi" he said, still stroking her hair. He didn't know what he wanted, what he thought, he just knew he wanted Addison and she was all he could think about

"I never left, you did…" Addison softly said, trying her best not to

"I know…"

"Why?"

_And all the things that I wished I had not said _

_Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head _

"I don't know it all happened so fast, I found you with Mark, I left to Seattle and met Meredith I was so mad-"

"I didn't mean that, I meant why you acted the way you did back in New York" Addison cut him off, finally asking him the question she's been asking herself every day

"Addi I don't want-"

"I don't care Derek, I don't care if you want to talk about this or not cause I do want to and you were the one who came here not me'' she cut him off again, feeling the anger rise in her

"I'm sorry I didn't meant to make you mad…''

"I just want an answer'' she sighed "I just want to know, tell me the truth, I don't care if it hurts or not, I don't care if you're going to say you ignored me cause I was fat or ugly or annoying and whiney or I embarrassed you or you thought the sex was bad, I just want to hear the truth damn it!'' Addison yelled and her eyes started tearing up

_Is it too late to remind you how we were? _

_But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur _

"It wasn't that, God Addison I was practically obsessed by you'' he sighed and tried not to look in Addison eyes which were filled with shock "You know, I never got why you married me"

"Derek I married you because I loved you!" she looked at him with disbelieve "Why are you saying this? Just answer the god damn question!"

_Most of what I remember makes me sure _

_I should have stopped you from walking out the door _

"I don't know we were so different before, I guess I just wanted to be the right husband for you. You were not just any girl, you're Addison _Forbes _Montgomery" he said emphasizing the Forbes

"I don't get it'' she said like a little child

"You we're different, you needed me, you had scars from your past, you were insecure, you had an eating disorder, I felt like you needed me'' he said and looked into her eyes, green meeting blue "But later you became this independent strong woman who I was so proud of but you didn't need me anymore''

"No that's not true Derek, I always needed you, I still do…''

"I know that now Addi''

_You could be happy, I hope you are _

_You made me happier than I'd been by far _

"Derek where does this all come from?'' she asked softly

"I don't know, I can't stop thinking about you and I felt empty and I guess I just realized that I miss you, I miss you so much it hurts Addi''

"I miss you too…'' she whispered and removed her hand from under her pillow and stroked his hair with it

"I don't ever want to miss you again Addison"

"Neither do I'' Addison said, letting a few tears she was holding back slip

"Please don't go''

"I never left'' she said, repeating the words she said before

"I won't go either this time''

_Somehow everything I own smells of you _

_And for the tiniest moment it's all not true _

"What does this mean Derek?''

"It means I want to start again and I hope you want that too''

She slipped out of the bed, her eyes not leaving his, pacing trough the room with her arms crossed, like she was letting the information sink in

"No Meredith?'' she said after a few seconds

"No Meredith'' he confirmed smiling at her

"And no other loves or secrets or whatever that you need to tell me about?''

"Nope I promise, I just want you, I just want you for eternity, I promise''

"Okay'' she said smiling "Okay''

"Can you come back to bed now?''

"Only if you're staying with me''

"I'm not going anywhere'' he said laughing, wrapping his arms around her as she crawled back into bed and snuggled into his body

_Do the things that you always wanted to _

_Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do _

After a few minutes cuddling Addison turned around and looked into his eyes

"We have to take it slow okay'' she said, breaking the comfortable silence between them

"Okay''

"And we shouldn't let other people mind our business okay, cause people are going to gossip and tell stupid stories about us''

"I don't care''

"And if they're going to call me Satan again you don't get to laugh''

"Hey I'm the only one allowed to call you Satan!'' he said laughing, kissing the top of her head and inhaling her scent

"Okay McDreamy, and hey who knows I might even get a new nickname!'' she said in a sarcastic voice, faking enthusiasm

"Hmm maybe, if you're lucky'' Derek laughed

"But I meant it, about the taking it slow thing, we shouldn't rush things''

"You're right we shouldn't''

"Good'' she said, wrapping her arms around him and snuggling her face into his chest and closed her eyes

"What do you exactly mean with taking it slow and how long does it last?'' Derek said after a few seconds

"I don't know, we just don't have to do things that we don't feel comfortable with''

"Could you be more specific?'' he asked making her laugh into his chest, the vibes making his chest tingle

"Can you only think about one thing?'' she asked grinning

"Hey you're the one pressed up to me, you can't blame a guy for wondering''

"It doesn't mean anything Derek, we decide what it means, but tonight I just want to cuddle with you and fall asleep next to you'' she said looking into his eyes

"But kissing's okay right?''

"Kissing is very okay'' Addison answered smiling, before she kissed him

First the kiss was soft but then turned more adventurous and passionate when she slipped her tongue into his mouth, roaming around

"Addi'' he breathed in between kisses, pulling her on top of him

"Shhh Derek, we decide remember'' she said and continued the kiss which was heating up more and more, knowing that they would do this forever.

_More than anything I want to see you go _

_Take a glorious bite out of the whole world… _


	4. Pure Intuition

**Pure Intuition**

_5 years later since the night Addison and Derek started over. _

_Derek and Addison got remarried and have a little girl now_

**Let us be wrong and let's begin  
A mistake that turns into perfection  
I want to see you sliding in  
my underworld**

"Mommy are you wake?" Addison felt little hands on her cheeks and someone was placing wet and sloppy kisses all over her face "Hey baby what are you doing up so early?" She asked, smiling up at her 3 year old red headed girl "I wanna watch Dora wiff you mommy!" the little girl squealed happily "Autumn, Dora won't be on before 10 and it's…" Addison answered while she climbed over Derek to turn around the alarm clock to read the time "Sweetie it's 5 in the morning!" "How long for Dora?" Autumn Shepherd asked her mother in a sad tone "Like 5 hours baby why don't you go back to bed it's really early and you don't wanna fall asleep while watching Dora now do you?"

"No" she answered pouting sad

"Why don't you sleep here with mommy and daddy for a little while?" Addison asked, stroking Autumn's hair lovingly "Yeah!" Autumn answered a little too loud and bounced up and down on the bed "Ssshh baby you're waking daddy and you know he's a little grumpy in the morning" she said laughing and pulled the little girl in her arms and gave her a little kiss on her nose making her giggle

**This time I plan to let you in  
I'll be a victim of my own invention  
Let us be wrong and let's begin  
Once and for all  
What heaven weaves and braids  
no man shall undo  
I've been custom-made for no one but you  
You know it's now or never**

Derek woke a few hours later. He yawned and stretched his body but his eyes remained closed. He stretched his arms and his left hand searched for Addison's body until he touched a little body

Derek cracked one eye open and looked at his daughter's back and smiled, knowing that she probably waked Addison on an ungodly hour in the morning to watch TV as she did every weekend when neither Derek or Addison had to work.

He looked at the 2 most important girls in his life and started to compare them to each other, their hair were almost identical, for the exception that Addison's was longer and straightened and Autumn's was naturally curled.

He looked at them for another half hour softly stroking Autumn's hair, he was always fascinated with her whatever she did and although he never saw himself as a hug-guy he always loved it when Autumn wanted to snuggle with him

**I have a feeling inside  
And intuition's always been a woman's guide  
We've been wanting each other since before we were born  
And I will love you even after I am gone  
after I am gone...**

He softly poked her side and immediately shut his eyes when she turned around.

"Elloow?" Autumn said poking Derek's cheek to see if he was awake "Are you awake?"

Derek smiled, knowing that she believed he was still asleep so he decided to fool around with her

"Oh Addison" he sighed in his 'sleep' and stretched out an arm and pulled Autumn towards him and hugged her tightly

"Daddy I'm Autumn not Addison" she giggled and tried to escape from his arms "Hey you're not my wife!" Derek said as he opened his eyes and pretended to be shocked "You silly, you thought I was mommy!" "Well excuse me but I don't expect any other pretty girls in my bed!" Derek said laughing and started to tickle her

"Hey what's going on in here?" a groggy Addison asked as she rubbed her nose

"Well I woke up and suddenly there's a stranger in our bed!" Derek said to Addison full of seriousness Addison smiled, knowing Derek was playing around with Autumn until she started crying

"Daddy I not a stranger….Autumn" the little girl sobbed "Sweetie don't cry daddy is just playing with you" Addison quickly pulled her in her arms rubbed her back while throwing Derek a death glare "Cookie I was just joking, of course I know who you are!" He quickly said and tried to get the girl to look at him "So you didn't really forget who I am?" "Of course not silly, how could I ever forget such a pretty girl?'' Derek said smiling at her while he stroked her curls lovingly "Daddy you go watch Dora wiff me?'' she asked as she threw her little arms around his neck and hugged him

"Hey I feel left out here!'' Addison joked

"Oh come here'' Derek said laughing as he pulled her in their embrace

**This time I plan to let you in  
I'll be here in full subordination  
I'll be devoted to your will  
Once and for all  
Love is only pain disguised as a kiss  
So make me feel it now  
Let's get on with this  
and the sooner the better**

"Pancakes?" Addison asked the two who were watching Dora and singing the songs out loud, while she stood in the doorway of the living room

"Sssh mommy we're watching Dora!" Autumn said, not taking her eyes of the TV in front of her "Yeah Addie ssshhh!" Derek said laughing "Well…no pancakes for you then, I'll make some for myself and eat all of them alone" She tried, getting no reaction of both of them "Great now I'm being ignored for a cartoon figure"

"Huh what?" Derek asked once he noticed Addison was talking to either of them "Hello do you want pancakes or not? Don't let me ask it again cause I really wont" She said annoyed, once she got Derek's attention, in contrast to Autumn who was still very engrossed by her favorite TV show "Pancakes! No you don't have to ask me again" Derek replied smiling and jumped of the couch and walked towards Addie in the kitchen "Good, can you get Autumn too please?" "No let her watch for a little more, we can heat up her pancake later" "Okay then but leave open the door so I can keep an eye on her" she replied as she got the pancakes from the kitchen counter "Addie, if a pink elephant walked into the room Autumn still would continue watching Dora, she's a good girl, she won't destroy anything, go outside or anything" "Ha! The last time you said that we ended up with a paint covered wall remember?" "That was all Nathan's fault! The boy probably started painting on the wall and Autumn is only 5 and 5 year olds copy from older kids! Besides, Nathan is Nancy's child after all and we all know how Nancy is… " Derek said defending his little girl "Nathan is only 7! Like 7 year olds would persuade other children into doing something" "Every 7 year old knows that painting on the wall is wrong Addie…" "Sure, but gladly they painted on Autumns wall and not on the kitchen wall or something, besides Autumn is really proud of the painting so we didn't have to wash it all off" "Yeah Autumn and Nathan are very creative, they probably inherited that of their parents… " Derek said and started to eat his pancake while Addison took place on the seat in front of him

"Right, anyways we both have the day off today, anything you wanna do?" "I can think of a few things…" he answered smirking "No" "I didn't even tell you what!" "That's not even necessary, I know what goes on in that dirty mind of you. But I meant like going out somewhere today, I want to spend as much time with Autumn as possible, call me over-motherly but when I'm at the hospital and I can't be with her I miss her like crazy. I think I actually hate bringing her to day-care more then she does'' Addison explained with a sad smile "Okay sweetie we can go to the zoo or something today if you want to?" "I'm sorry Derek I knew you'd want to spend the day with just the two of us but you see Autumn a lot more then me because of my new schedule" "Babe I get it, we can go to the zoo and maybe tonight we can ask Adele to watch Autumn and we can go out to dinner" "Thank you Derek, you have no idea how much that means to me…" Addison said sincere "I'll do anything to make you happy, you know that. Besides you can thank me later" He replied, winking at his beautiful wife

After about 5 minutes Autumn walked into the kitchen to see her parents passionately kissing "Ewww daddy stop that!'' she said covering her eyes "Hey, hey your mom started to kiss me, I had no chance!'' Derek said holding up his hands in defence "Ugh right…anyway, sweetie what do you say we go to the zoo today?'' Addison asked "Yay the zoo! Are you coming too mommy?'' "Yes I am'' "No hospital?'' "Nope no hospital today'' she answered smiling

**I have a feeling inside  
And intuition's always been a woman's guide  
We've been wanting each other since before we were born  
And I will love you even after I am gone  
after I am gone...**

"Mommy can we go to the monkeys now?" Autumn asked her mother as she looked at the elephants bored "Sweetie we're watching the elephants now we'll get to the monkeys later okay" "I don't like elephants, I wanna leave…" she said sighing and sat down on the bench next to her equally –if not more- bored dad "If the monkeys are anywhere near the exit then I vote for seeing the monkeys too" Derek said staring at whatever was in front of him "You know what why don't you two go, just go! I wanted to have a nice day with my husband and my child, but whatever they don't seem to feel the same way so just go do whatever the hell you want!" Addison screamed frustrated, with tears spilling from her eyes

"Addie come here" Derek said softly "No" she replied without turning around to face him, she just kept staring at the elephants with her arms crossed "Mommy if you want to stay and look at the elephants longer than that's okay…" Autumn said and turned to her Derek "Daddy why is mommy crying?'' "I don't know sweetie, can you sit here and look at the elephants for a little while? I promise we'll see the monkeys later'' "Okay daddy give this to mommy'' Autumn answered, searching for her favorite stuffed animal, a monkey called Dobby "That's really sweet honey, I think that'll cheer mommy up'' Derek said, smiling at his daughters attempt to help before he walked over to Addison and tried to wrap his arms around her and hug her

"What's wrong sweetie, why are you crying?'' Derek asked softly while stroking her back "I'm sorry, I just I'm so tired…'' Addison answered, laying her head in the crook of Derek neck, she knew people where probably looking at her, wondering why she was crying but at the moment, she absolutely did not care "You've been working too much honey, I think we really should start talking about you maybe quitting you job for a while or at least working less'' Derek said softly "Derek" Addison said staring off in the distance "No Addie I mean it, I know you don't want to admit it but you just can't do it all right now" Derek continued "Derek I think I might be pregnant" She flatly said, this made Derek look at her speechless "No I think I know cause well you know I'm a certified OBGYN, so yes I think I know for sure" Addison rambled on afraid to let silence fall since Derek wasn't responding "Pregnant…you're pregnant again." Derek said in a drifting voice "Wait you're pregnant…again. And I'm going to be a dad…again!" Derek said happily when the information suddenly seemed to sink in "Oh my God...Addie this is great!" he said excitedly while hugging her tightly "Baby suffocating me" Addison said laughing, looking over at Autumn who was talking to an elephant animatedly, as Derek was holding her a little too tight "Oh sorry! I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?" He immediately asked over-worried "No I'm okay" she laughed back at him, suddenly getting quite shy by all the onlookers who seemed interested in finding out what was going on. "It's just…you're pregnant and I'm happy'' he gave her a sweet kiss, letting his hands rest on her hips "I'm going to be a dad again!" he said happily to an old couple who were watching them interested

"Congratulations!" the old man said smiling to him and took his wife's hand and walked off "That's how I want us to be later too" Addison said while resting her head on Derek's shoulder "What do you mean sweetie?" "Old, happy, grey, well okay maybe not grey, but at least happy; I still want us to go to the zoo when we're old, and hold hands" "We can do that, we can play scrabble too" he said laughing "Don't mock me Shepherd!" she said, hitting him playfully in his chest "What about dirty word scrabble?" he retorted with a wink

"Are you okay mommy?" Autumn asked when Addison picked her up, before holding Derek's hand "More than okay baby, let's go see the monkeys"

**I have a feeling inside  
And intuition's always been a woman's guide  
We've been wanting each other since before we were born  
And I will love you even after I am gone  
after I am gone...**


End file.
